Pandemic: inside an hypochondriac mind

Trigger warning: in this post I will dive into subjects that may trigger more sensible readers. If you struggle with anxiety and/or health anxiety yourself and the coronavirus outbreak all around the world is stressing you, you might want to skip this read. Personally, I decided to share this, as my personal experience, not only for the sake of it, but rather to address the impact that these times can have on someone's mental health, hoping to open some eyes on the importance of the mental health, same as physical. What you are going to read is the totally unfiltered mental process I, a panic disorder and hypochondria sufferer, have exposed myself to in the last weeks. This is supposed to be a sort of awareness post, to show how intrusive thoughts can affect someone's everyday life, how such an emergency can affect someone's mind, especially if already sensitive about certain situations. Mental illnesses are invisible, you can't see someone's struggles, but learning to be kind, to be empathic towards each other is our only way to be decent humans, because in hard times, we all struggle but some of us are more at risk, therefore, remember to never judge, to never blame, to never belittle. Instead, try be understanding, try to understand, try finding out what you can do in order to help someone. If we turn our backs to each other in hard times, our society is over. Most of all, I want to remind everyone to stay safe, STAY HOME, and to be selfless. I am on my break at work, checking the news. Apparently there is an unknown virus in China, many people are dying, there are videos of people collapsing or willingly infecting public buildings. They say it affects the breathing system, people are dying. I hope it's gonna stop, that it's not going to spread, that it's going to be contained in the next weeks, maybe it's just a much stronger flu but modern medicine can take over it easily. Thousands are dying now. My country is lockedown. My mom and brother are lockedown at home, they are safe. I am so glad they are safe. I am so glad I am away from that massacre, I am safe here. It's gonna end, I tell myself. It can't be like in those movies. I can't breathe. My chest is hard and my heart beats at an unnatural fast rate. I can't breathe. My skin is burning. I will die. I am dying. No Annamaria, there is nothing wrong with you, you are having a panic attack, you have been through this before, often, you have nothing wrong. No you don't get it I am dying, I caught it. I caught it. I will die. You didn't, calm down, you are having a panic attack. No, my heart, there is something wrong with my heart, probably I will have a stroke. Annamaria, you are having a panic attack, breathe, take your medicines, take a day off to rest and ease your mind. They are safe at home. But what if I am not safe? There is nothing wrong with my heart, nor my breath, the doctor at the A&E said, they checked my heart, they listened to my chest and lungs. I just need to rest. No, they are wrong, I will die, because I cannot breathe and I feel my skin burning. I check my temperature every 10 minutes, I have no fever at all. Then why I feel so hot? My thermometer must be broken, it must be unreliable. Let's see the reviews. I knew it, these thermometer has only bad reviews, I must have the highest fever ever, and I can't breathe, I will die alone, away from my family. No, you are panicking, again. You are tired, you might have a little cold, everyone has it, but you are fine. I am stronger than this, I am fine, I am. There is nothing wrong with me, I am healthy, it's just anxiety. I am obsessing over the virus, I am exposing myself to the media too much, I am hypochondriac, all that I feel is not real, it's in my head. Today I will go to work and smash it, as always. I am doing so good recently, I am exhausted, but it's not an exhausting job, and I am good at it. I can't breathe, I can't stand on my legs, my head is spinning. I was on my period, might be low on iron, might be a little low pressure. No, my chest, there is something wrong with my chest, I can't breathe, I can't stay here, I need exams, I need to be recovered, I need doctors everywhere checking my body inch by inch, I need to be tested. You don't have the virus, you have panic going on for days, why don't you take your medicine? Because if I take my medicine, my heart will stop and I will die in my sleep. Silly, you will relax and calm down, everything will pass. No, I have the virus, I have. I have the highest temperature, and my chest hurts. You don't have it for god's sake, you have no fever, you check it every 10 minutes, and you have no damn symptom. My thermometer is unreliable, I definitely have the highest fever. The nurse has written my temperature on the bracelet with my name. 35°C. I am frozen, I don't have a fever. They are taking a lot blood, why, what do they think I have? They are measuring my pressure and checking my heart with so many machines, why, am I dying then? There is something wrong with me? They tell me to stay calm, that all will be okay because I might have just a flu. Ah ah, there you go. Just a flu. I don't have a flu. I have the virus and they will leave me to die. You definitively have a flu, we saw it through your chest x-ray, but you are very strong, you are definitely unwell and panicking, take some days, rest, all will be fine.

I can't breathe. I can't damn breathe. They got it wrong, how can they say I have just a flu, how can they say all is okay with me and I am strong, I am dying. I have a itchy throat now, and I feel very hot. That's it. I was right. Annamaria, stop it, your throat is itching because you are crying and sobbing all day long, you feel hot because you are spending your day in bed with heating on. No you don't understand, I have the virus and I will die. You are healthy, you take care of yourself, you wouldn't die even if you caught it. I am not healthy. What do you mean you are not healthy, you have no condition.

How do we know I don't?

Because you have been checked at the hospital, they did you a blood test, x-ray, everything. They were wrong. They weren't. They were because my whole body hurts, my back too. Remember dad, he died with kidney failure, breathing issues.

You are having nothing of this, you are not dad. I want my mom. I want to be home. You will be fine soon, and soon you will book holidays to go home. No I want to be home now because I will die, and I don't want my mom to be away from me. Stop it. Please stop it.

I feel a lot better, maybe I didn't have the virus after all. I am eating more, getting stronger finally. All is well. It's not, the government said people must get used to see their loved ones die, that they won't take any measure against the virus outbreak. The national health system is going to collapse, so many people are going to die. So many. I will be among them. I will catch it, the tube is so dirty, I am always surrounded by so many people, I will catch it and when they will look after me it will be too late, and I will die alone, away from my mom.

I want to go home, I want to go home, but they are cancelling all flights. I am stuck. I can't go home. I am stuck here, where they will leave me to die. Again, you are not at risk, but it is not ideal for you to stay, you should look for some way to leave, your mental health is too affected. I can't leave the house. You can, you just must be cautious. No, I can't leave the house. I can't go to work, I can't get in contact with anyone. Anyone. Find a way to go home, you reached the bottom, but stay calm. It's scary, it is, you are very scared, but all will be okay. I will die, I will get sick, my hands are not clean enough, never enough, my skin is flaking, but I must wash and wash and wash, I must wash my whole body multiple times, and not touch anything. You are exaggerating now, be careful, but don't let it go to your head. I am tired, I want to go home. I can't handle going out, I can't handle seeing people. I will go home. I quit my job, I gave my notice to my landlord. I am losing everything again, I am losing London again. You will go home, you will be safe, you did the right thing. What if I die before going home, what if it catches me suddenly and bad? Please stop. Please Annamaria, please, I can't do it anymore. I can't handle you anymore. You are hurting yourself, you can't do this, please, I beg you I made it home, I am safe.